


a fighting chance

by sepulchreofsongs



Series: worth a damn [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Canon Compliant, Depression, M/M, small suicide mention towards the end but nothing happens don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 14:57:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8060896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sepulchreofsongs/pseuds/sepulchreofsongs
Summary: It’s depression, again.  He doesn’t want to admit it, admit that the years he’s spent working on his mental state were all for naught.  He survived college and he really thought that post-graduation would be relaxing.  Instead, this is happening.
---
A sequel to  "incorrect."





	

**Author's Note:**

> You don't have to read  incorrect  before reading this, the only thing you probably should know is that Oikawa's mom is a piece of shit. 
> 
> Also, hey, shout out to  brokutoo  who asked for a sequel. I hadn't even considered it but as soon as it was brought up I suddenly got a lot of ideas. Thank you, dude!!!!

 

It’s been years since Oikawa has felt like this.  Since high school, probably.  I mean, it’s been a constant state, he thinks, but this is the first time it’s been this bad in a long time. 

He has a comforter pulled up around his shoulders and it reminds him of being eighteen and vulnerable.  There’s light trickling in through the window, a constant reminder that Oikawa should be up right now, doing things, working on projects.  Applying for jobs. 

Iwaizumi would have lured him out of bed by now with coffee and the scent of breakfast.  The idea of breakfast isn’t even appetizing to him right now and hasn’t been for a while.  Iwaizumi isn’t even home right now, so Oikawa just lets himself wallow in whatever this is.  Well, he knows what it is, but he doesn’t want to admit it.

It’s depression, again.  He doesn’t want to admit it, admit that the years he’s spent working on his mental state were all for naught.  He survived college and he really thought that post-graduation would be relaxing.  Instead, this is happening.

The only saving grace is that Iwa-chan and he live together and so he doesn’t spend so much time alone.  Alone is bad, a time when poisonous thoughts fester.  It’s hard to be filled with self-loathing when the love of your life is peppering your face with kisses and teasing you about something or another.

Iwa-chan has a job, though, a nine to five, real, adult job that applies to his college degree.  Some sort of business management job.  They contacted Iwaizumi four months before graduation, so Iwa-chan  graduated with a future in sight.

Oikawa wasn’t so lucky.  His last semester at school had been busy between classes, his part-time job, his internship, and surgeries on his knee.  He hadn’t had time to look for apartments, let alone jobs.  He’s lucky Iwa-chan had time and that he trusted Iwa-chan enough to pick out a nice place for them. 

Post-graduating, Oikawa upped his hours at his part-time job, a café nearby, so that it was full time and could pay bills.  He tries looking for jobs when he has time, but even that isn’t often.  It’s really starting to stress him out.

He pulls his phone over to him and checks Twitter.  Iwaizumi’s tweeted a few things since getting to work, and Oikawa zooms in on that.  One tweet say, “a person shouldn’t look as cute as he does sleeping.”

A small smile pulls at Oikawa’s mouth.  He lifts himself out of bed, using that tweet as motivation.  Sometimes the weirdest and smallest things can help. 

When he gets to the kitchen, he doesn’t really know what to do.  A normal person would make breakfast, but he’s not really hungry.  He trudges over to the coffee maker, hoping the caffeine will sharpen the corners of his mind.  Coffee on an empty stomach seems like a bad idea though, so he makes some toast to go with it.

After breakfast (even though it’s lunch time), he’s at a loss, again.  His mom has really been on his ass about applying to jobs, and somewhere in the back of his mind he knows he should do that.  He sits at his computer, but after around an hour on a job site for astrophysics, he feels hopeless and closes his laptop definitively.  He really wishes his internship hadn’t been so shit, then maybe he’d have a job by now. 

He feels a vibration in his hand.

>> _Oikawaaaaa, you awakeeee? :3_

_< < ew, tetsu-chan, what do you want?_

_> > Oh shush.  What’re you up to today?_

Oikawa stares at his phone.  He wants to reply ‘ _a big load of fucking nothing’_ but that’d be unlike him. 

<< _why?  want me to fit you into my tight schedule?_

>> _Mm Oikawa I didn’t know you wanted me in your tight ‘schedule’ ;3  
_ >> _I’m off work today and Kenma’s at his job all day._

<< _hm.  Lucky you, I have a free time slot._

>> _Oh yeah is it called all day :3c_

<< _stfu tetsu-chan_

>> _Meet me at the courts in 20? :D_

<< _yeah…_

Kuroo Tetsuro is without a doubt the worst best friend Oikawa made in college.  The two make a sport out of being assholes, if only just to each other.  They have a habit of being too perceptive with each other as well, to the point where they really can’t keep secrets from each other.  Kuroo is the only person that Oikawa let know that he isn’t really feeling his best, a few weeks ago.  He’s still trying to hide it from Iwa-chan.

“When did you wake up today?” Kuroo frowns at him when they see each other at the volleyball courts.

“Like around eleven?” Oikawa raises an eyebrow.

“When did you get out of bed?” Kuroo deadpans, adjusting the question.

“Around one,” Oikawa dismisses.  “What are you, Tetsu-chan, my mom?”

Kuroo throws up his hands.  “You just looked tired, okay?  Yeesh.”

Oikawa laughs a little at the dramatics.  “Don’t worry about it, I’ve been working a lot at the café.  My beautiful face brings in the best tips, you know.”

Kuroo makes a gagging noise at that.  “Ugh, whatever.  Wanna play one on one, or try to dredge up some of the people here for teams?”

“Let’s just play ourselves.” Oikawa’s face scrunches at the thought of playing with people he doesn’t know or trust.

Volleyball brings a lightness to his heart that nothing else really can.  As he feels the leather of the ball sting his skin, his lips can’t help but to twitch up.  It makes him feel alive, if just for a moment.  They play for a while, but Kuroo makes sure they stop before Oikawa’s knee acts up too much.  Oikawa pouts and insists he can play more, but Kuroo just laughs and shoves him away.

“C’mon, let’s clean up and grab some coffee,” he says, picking up their ball.

Oikawa groans.  “So long as it’s not Shine Steam, okay?  I’m there enough every day.”

“Fine, fine.” Kuroo laughs.

Kuroo picks a place nearby that Oikawa actually particularly likes but never has the time to go to.  Kuroo gets a hot, traditional latte, with Oikawa snagging an iced vanilla latte with lots of caramel drizzled on top.  They sit outside, Kuroo rolling his eyes at Oikawa slurping at some caramel.

“So, how’s it going?”

Oikawa’s eyes widen innocently at Kuroo’s question.  The lie slips off his tongue before he can stop it.  “I’m perfectly well!  I mean look at me, can you imagine someone as popular as me doing poorly?”

“Jackass,” Kuroo snatches Oikawa’s drink despite his cries of protest.  “You told me like two weeks ago you think you’re depressed again.  Don’t try to pull that shit with me.”

“Ugh, fine.” He sticks out his tongue and reaches out childishly for his drink, which Kuroo reluctantly gives back.  “I’m definitely depressed again.  I mean, I’ve had depression since I was eighteen- it was the worst then- but I thought it was getting better.  It was to the point where I was actually considering going off my prescription I was doing so well.  Then last semester, graduation hit, and here I am.  I feel like I’m eighteen and hopeless again.  I don’t think my medication is doing anything.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychologist to prescribe you something else?” Kuroo suggests.

“That sounds easy enough, but I need to find a new doctor here since my old one is in Miyagi.” He pouts.  “I also would need to tell my mom, since I’m on my family’s insurance still.”

“Right… your mom is kinda a piece of work, isn’t she?”

“You could definitely say that.  She’s gotten better, but… ugh, she’ll think I’m using it as an excuse for not looking for jobs.”

“But you have a job.”

“One that relates to my degree, I mean.  She keeps warning me: Shine Steam isn’t a career, I shouldn’t be content, etcetera.”

“Some people do make a career of Shine Steam, though, become a manager and all that.”

“Yeah, and I don’t think I want to do that.  But I don’t know what else I want to do.  Every time I go to look at job boards online, I can’t find anything that suits me or my major and it makes me feel like shit.  Like I went to school for four years, and got this useless degree in this useless major that I’m not even that good at….”

“Alright, I’m gonna stop you right there and tell you to shut the fuck up-“

“It was supposed to be volleyball, Kuroo.”  There are tears flooding the corners of his eyes, and he doesn’t care that it’s daylight and everyone can see him.  “I was supposed to play pro volleyball.  I was supposed to go to the Olympics with you, and Bokuto, and everyone else.  But I fucked up- my knee fucked up and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

He feels a soft flick at his forehead and looks up to see Kuroo, his head cocked and resting in his hand, his mouth a straight line, his eyebrows reading puzzled.  Just the sight of his friend, not making fun of him, not pitying him, makes his tears slow.

“Well, number one, I stopped volleyball after college, you know that.  I’ll never be on the Olympic team either.  It kinda sucks to know I won’t be on the team with everyone ever again, but I think I’m gonna have a career and life I’ll be happy with.  And you will too, eventually.”

“You say that like it’s so easy.”

“I sure as shit know it isn’t.  I’m surprised I didn’t drive Kenma fucking nuts our last year of college.  I didn’t know what I was going to do about volleyball, I wasn’t sure what to do with my degree, I wasn’t even sure about staying in Tokyo or Japan.  I was ready to tear my own hair out.  I was getting panic attacks just opening up the internet browser to look at jobs.  I could barely sleep I was such an anxious wreck.”

Oikawa doesn’t say anything.  He didn’t know Kuroo had panic attacks, or anxiety.  Hearing that someone else has gone through the mental illness train makes him feel a little better.  “What if… I took a year, worked at Steam Shine, and worked on my mental health.  See a psychologist, all that good stuff, and then try again at this whole job thing?”

Kuroo sits back.  “That doesn’t sound like a half bad idea.  In fact it’s so good that I don’t believe you came up with it.”

“All my ideas are perfect, Tetsu-chan.  It’s something I came up with the other day.  But, what if my mom gets pissed off?”

“Honestly?  Fuck her.” Kuroo drains the rest of his latte.  “It’s your life, dude.  Ultimately, she can’t stop you.”

Oikawa takes a slurp from his straw and thinks about that.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m home!” Oikawa calls out, kicking off his shoes in the doorway.  The smell of meat and some kind of zesty seasoning fills the air in the apartment and Oikawa takes a moment to appreciate it.  He walks into the kitchen and leans on the counter, watching Iwaizumi cook.  Iwa-chan takes a moment of his attention from the pan and kisses his boyfriend, and Oikawa can’t help but grin from the domesticity of it all.

“How was your day off?” Iwaizumi asks, adding more seasoning to the chicken.

“It was fine.  I slept in a bit, but I went and played volleyball with Tetsu-chan for a bit and we got some coffee.”  He marks it as being one of his best days in a while, actually, if only for the fact that he got to talk about what was wrong for a while.

Iwa-chan narrows his eyes and glances at his knee.  “You didn’t overwork yourself, did you?”

“No, no, Tetsu-chan stopped us before it hurt, as usual,” he flutters his hand around and gives his boyfriend a big smile.  “With you two around, I feel like I’ve got two extra moms.”

Iwaizumi flicks his forehead, but unlike Kuroo, it isn’t gentle whatsoever.  “Watch it, Shittykawa.”

“Owwww, Iwa-chan!” He clasps his hands to his head dramatically.  “That hurt!  You should kiss it better.”

Iwa-chan rolls his eyes, but kisses Oikawa’s so-called “wound,” fighting the smile tugging at the corner of his lips. 

Oikawa grins and Iwaizumi can’t fight his smile anymore, and they kiss, tender, their lips smiling against each other.  Iwaizumi playfully knocks his forehead against Oikawa’s and turns back to the pan, a light blush tinting his cheeks.

“You seem like you’re in a good mood,” Iwa-chan comments.  “I was kinda worried about you for a bit.”

“Mm,” Oikawa nods, a twinge of disappointment touching his veins at the idea that Iwa-chan knew something wasn’t right.  He takes a steadying breath.  “I think I’m depressed again, about as bad as I was when I was younger.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” Iwaizumi moves the food off the burner, done and ready to devote his attention to his boyfriend.  He takes his hands.  “Is it because of your knee?”

“Partially,” Oikawa admits.  “But it’s the whole pressure of needing a job, not knowing what I want to do with my life, whether or not college was a mistake, my brain itself- it’s… a lot.”

Iwaizumi brings Oikawa’s hands to his lips and kisses them.  “You don’t need to worry about that stuff if it’s making you upset.”

Oikawa laughs a little, bitterly.  “My mom doesn’t agree.”

“Fuck your mom-“

“I know, I know,” he laughs again, this time truthfully.  “I think I’m gonna take a year to work on my depression, work at Shine Steam, and then try all this job stuff again when I feel better.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” there’s genuine affection and adoration on every inch of Iwaizumi’s face, and Oikawa has to fight tears all over again.  “I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

“Thank you,” it’s almost a whisper, “I’m scared, but… I think I can do it.  Especially with you around.”

“I love you, dumbass,” Iwa-chan laughs.

“Meanie!  I love you too,” Oikawa tries to pout for a moment, but it loses to a full out smile.

They eat their dinner together on the couch, something they normally avoid, but they eat and laugh while watching television.  Oikawa ends up curled against Iwaizumi while watching some shitty horror movie Netflix recommends to them, and laughs every time Iwa-chan twitches at a jump scare.  This is seriously the best Oikawa has felt in months, and he can’t help but thank Tetsu-chan and Iwa-chan, the two best people in his life.

 

* * *

 

He knows he learned this four years ago, but depression doesn’t end in a night cuddled up on the couch while the love of your life strokes your hair.  It’s messy and ugly and tries to drag you down by its crooked, cracked claws.

He’s disappointed when he wakes up and his throat feels like there’s a slug shoved down it.  He’s disappointed when Iwa-chan makes him smile, but it’s only a sliver of a moment.  He’s disappointed when he yells at Tetsu-chan for fucking coddling him and he’s not a fucking child and if Tetsu-chan would fucking treat him like a god damn adult-

He’s disappointed.

It’s overwhelming one night, how disappointed- disappointing he is.  His hands are shaking, a tingle coursing through the surface of his skin.  He’s tired, so fucking tired.  And you know what?  He kinda wants to end it, he really does.  That’s fucking scary to him.  But instead of wallowing in it, on the tip of acting on it like he did in high school, he shakes Iwa-chan awake.  Iwa-chan is half awake but quickly blinks away sleep as Tooru sobs, wails in his arms, and all he can do is hold onto him, make sure he stays alive, stays in this world.

Oikawa finally tells his mom and she freaks out.  She threatens to cut all ties with him and Oikawa is crying on the phone and Kuroo and Iwa-chan are on either side of him, rubbing at his arms.  It isn’t solved when Tooru hangs up the phone, but Iwaizumi tells him that’s alright.  It’s his life, and he needs to live it.  He needs to be alive.

Tetsu-chan and Iwa-chan spend a Sunday with him looking up doctors and calling their offices.  They finally find a psychologist they like who has the time to see Oikawa.  They schedule an appointment for the following week and celebrate by ordering pizza, drinking vodka, and playing video games.  

When they go to bed, Oikawa can’t stop kissing Iwaizumi and he has this feeling in his bones that he’s going to be kissing Iwaizumi for the rest of his life.  He wants to make sure it’s a long life and it’s the first thought he’s had along those lines in a long time.

Oikawa starts seeing the doctor, and he knows, he truly knows now, that nothing will be fixed immediately.  He still has days where he can’t get out of bed.  But he has people he loves, who love him, and people he might love in the future.  He wants to fight his depression, this illness, so he can be with them, and they fight too. 

It’s a never ending battle, but it’s one Oikawa thinks he might win.

 

**Author's Note:**

> what do u mean i'm projecting my own post graduation depression and stress onto oikawa i have no idea what you mean.
> 
> twitter: [ persephonali](%E2%80%9Dtwitter.com/persephonali%E2%80%9D)


End file.
